Shadow Path (part 1)

Parts:
1st part;
2nd part;
3d part;
4th part;
5th part

*Anima: soul (the meaning which was chosen by me for this story)

**Leo: (in astrology) the sign where the Sun is domiciled (Sun is the ruler there and it is strong). Leo and the Sun stand for the Ego and can symbolize utter selfishness at the low level of self-development (primitiveness).

‘To sleep, to dream, to dive into the depth of the endless ocean which hides millions of barely existing realities on the brim of your imagination. When you fall asleep, the warmth and softness surround you, lulling and carrying you to the void, to the darkest darkness where you do not exist anymore, where you feel pain no more, and where you are unified with the Universe. And then you find yourself diving into the utmost depth of the boundless ocean, where you become whole, accepted, and never alone. You sway in its waters and get carried away by its currents to all existing memories, hopes, causes, outcomes, futures, pasts, presents –  all possible variations of time. You can choose your favorite one… Why does anyone even want to wake up?

Sure, there are nightmares, but reality is also full of them, isn’t it? There are dark sides in every possible representation of infinity; otherwise nothing could be compound, complicated and mysterious, definitely not as intriguingly contrastive as any crowd would like. Though, in comparison with reality, our dreams are more subtle. Everything moves and shifts its shape like a fog, or like a cloud: now you see a forest, and than it turns out to be a castle, and later perhaps a ship, or isn’t it the old man’s bald head? Strange. But so vague, dynamic and playful. You can discover all the answers and the hints in your dreams; all kinds of knowledge: spiritual, psychological, or occult. Everything may reveal itself before you when you are open and sensitive enough – I am. I love to sleep. I live to sleep. I’d die…’

The marvelous scenes were blown away, and she returned back on earth from her illusions. As usual, the girl felt as if someone had set her eyelids on fire. Thus, here it is – the awful dryness after being asleep for so long and the dazzling bright light falling right on her face from the window, so white, so pure, so scorching… She hugged her knees tight and covered her head with the blanket, taking refuge from the light.

‘Ani, how many pills have you taken?’

***

He sat on the old-fashioned yellow armchair, observing his sister cautiously. She had overdosed again; otherwise, she wouldn’t sleep so long, would she? Anima was an addict; it was her own way of getting away from this cruel reality, from her pain and loss. He blamed himself for not intervening sooner; she was prescribed these pills after she had fallen into her first depressive episode. Alas, for her, normal life wasn’t enough; the girl didn’t want to get cured. No, oh, no; Ani wanted to simply kill the pain, anesthetize it completely, run away to a better world because this one hurt like hell.

And Leo… Leo had his own profits. Deeply interested in occult and esoteric knowledge, he always wanted to dive even deeper and used his sister’s dreams for his research. He sighed. They’d call it toxic now. The young man felt terrible remorse later and actually tried to control the number of pills Ani used, or at least get his sister to see a doctor, but she found her own way to get more of them. There had to be some kind of a dealer, but he rarely saw her leaving their flat, if ever.

Leo’s gaze stopped at the picture of a golden-haired woman, who was smiling mysteriously. Mother.

This tiny old-fashioned flat… Leo always perceived it as yellow, perhaps because of the Tuscan floral wallpapers and amber wood furniture draped with yellowish cloth embroidered with one of those tasteless Victorian-like patterns. And there was an additional reason why the flat was yellow in his imagination. This was because of the golden dawn rays falling through the windows, bathing and painting the whole space in the warm and soft hues of honey most of evenings.

Mother. After she died, she left them this flat, and until now they continued to live there, mostly because they were both unmarried and didn’t have enough income to afford separate places. Now he had to look after Ani’s mental health and somehow control her addiction. And her doleful state was his own fault. Let’s be honest: this was all because of his selfishness. He sighed.

Ani stirred in the bed again; she was dizzy from the pills she had taken and needed to wait until the world stopped spinning and trembling. Then the girl, still wrapped in a blanket, sat up in bed and looked at her brother. She whispered, ‘Leo…’ He looked on her inquiringly, ‘How many did you take this time?’

‘About um… I don’t remember…’ She squinted, feeling a tremendous migraine coming on, probably triggered by Leo’s voice. ‘Liar. Ani, seriously, you promised you’d stop. I’m worried about you, about the whole… situation. I think I’ll ask the doctor to stop prescribing you this stuff, or at least to see you in person.’ In a visible agitation, her brother left the room

Ani was stirred and anxious. Magic elixir, a miraculous painkiller, would soon be taken away from her. It was the only portal to the real world, her only true home. She felt tears gathering in her eyes. Still…There was always a solution to every problem, wasn’t there? Exactly! For instance, she could always ask Lily: her friend had an unlimited supply of every possible stuff; such were the advantages of working in the drugstore. Even so, the girl relied on the doctor’s prescriptions simply because she received them steadily, so she always had something.

Her brother was away by that moment, possibly trying to reach the doctor. Well, it’s time to wake up. She looked out down the street: the scarlet sun was melting in the sky, transforming  everything into fire, gold and amber. The windows were readily lit up, reflecting the sun’s blazing funeral. The church bells had finished chiming at the moment the girl was awake, so now silence thrived everywhere. Ani observed the quick current of people returning to their homes, like a majestic river flooding all streets, the whole town – so dark, but at the same time so lustrous!

The girl moved away from the window, uncertain of what to do now that she was awake. So she crossed the room several times looking at objects randomly, deep in her own thoughts. Later, Ani picked up the book left on the desk and tried to read it. Yet the words were changing into the mists of illusion, into something so close to that subtle and enigmatic Universe she used to spend so much time in. Ani became very disoriented as to where she was, and, as usual…

The girl was so utterly assured that it was a dream world, that she started behaving exactly as she was in this shifting, mysterious, fluid reality. She put the book down and glided through the room trying to find the corners and places where the image wasn’t really smooth – something stood out somehow: either the shapes or the colors or the shades were weird: in such kind of places usually were hidden shadow paths. From this point, you could travel wherever you like and find whatever you choose—questions, answers, legends, both saintly and blasphemous, inspirations, cities, interesting creatures… The only limit is your imagination.

Her brother, Leo, hunted for the occult secrets mostly, and also for the greater Truth, the Revelation about every possible question and matter. In addition, he pursued certainty as for every ‘why’ and ‘how’: what is the purpose of existence, or where does the time go, why are we sentient and all those bigger pictures and gods’ visions and decisions. At first, she couldn’t get it, but now… She wanted to perceive the genuine purpose, essence and life where you could finally find clarity, a sense of belonging, peace… You’d know that everything is right now, and you would be absolutely sure of it. Certainly, you could find the clues in the spiritual books and watch ‘The Matrix’ as many times as you want, but Ani wasn’t satisfied with that. She craved freedom from pain, from lies – forever and ever. 

‘Here is a weird shadow, now I will just dive…’ She couldn’t. The girl noticed finally that the place surrounding her and the objects are static, unmoving. 

Ani started to feel awkward. This world wasn’t hers to stay. What’s more, all this furniture, books, and town views reminded her of the part of herself she didn’t want to relate to. Everyone had this side of their personality they hated so ardently and would have readily eliminated, if given the chance. Like everyone else, Ani wanted to run away from her shadow self, and she found her own way to get rid of it.

But the problems tend to return…

© MarvellousNightmare on Coconut Doesn’t Exist
You can contact me via leomoria93@outlook.com