Shadow Path (part 2)

Parts:
1st part;
2nd part;
3d part;
4th part;
5th part

Ani had a lot of energy because of the long rest she had taken, and she didn’t want to sit still in one place. Once again, she crossed the room several times, looking out of the windows, or staring at random things on her way, she leafed through a book, then looked inside a cup, took her smartphone and found that the battery was dead as usual… She threw it on the sofa without looking. Nothing of importance.  After a second of silent reflection, she started searching on the shelves randomly, chaotically, looking for her pills. Nothing. ‘What does Leo think he’s doing? I can call the doctor on my own without a glimpse of hesitation and complain, and claim he’s lying, he can’t threaten me! Manipulator! It is all his fault anyways.’ The girl rummaged further angrily through the shelves, then pulled out the drawers sharply to check what was inside. She also examined the desk, the tops of the bookcase and the dresser, until eventually she stumbled upon the notepad with an intricate cover and wondered what it could possibly be. Finally, assuming that it was her brother’s, she opened it, out of spite, smiling vindictively. ‘I’ll show you’…

However… It wasn’t Leo’s. In fact, it was visible and obvious at the first glance: his handwriting was certain and clear. This one was sloppy, hardly legible, with a great amount of weird curls, underlined words, and half-familiar symbols… The girl sat on the floor, hidden behind the desk, and started to read. On its pages, she found two poems, the sense of which was quite incomprehensible and vague. Both the style in which they were conveyed and the sense they might have had implied that the poems could contain a secret message, or simply had been written by the hand of the mentally ill. Was it her? It definitely was her. Ani almost could see a delicate figure of Lucretia in this very chair, busy with writing, noting her thoughts, memories, and musings. And creating those strange poems. 

The girl opened the notepad to the last page.
“I think I found the most intriguing path!
But, to begin with… Our reality –  in the hard matter and resides on the fourth level. You won’t be able to create-  exists only in spirit. Our freedom – frozen and sealed. We all live on this level of mortals. 5
In our dream – the reality of myths and tales (deeper). knowledge, magic, what is happening there – matters. That’s what we long for here, on earth, because our world is born from theirs, deprived from its truths, but our souls remember. The plain of heroes. 8
The next level is the level of ideas and archetypes – everything is too basic and unfinished. pure archetypes from the depth of our psyche and epochs. The turning points which are deeply embedded to all complex words and which create them, like the light that goes through the glass creating thousands of rainbows. The plain of gods. 13
The last one… Is where the first seed of existence appeared, the source of Universal consciousness, love and freedom. From here we all appeared and here we will return. All of us, the souls and ideas from every level and words, crave to join it, to return to it, thus finding love, consolation and wholeness. – ♒Liberty – but must know to discern.
Conscious!
There are 22 paths, 10 gates, and some gates may appear false, unless you see clearly!
Beware of the L”

Ani closed the notepad with an enraged sigh. Generally speaking, it was hardly legible. These were obviously the crazy footnotes mingled with some kind of short-hands; they were almost inconceivable, almost. The girl had already known about the paths, but she thought there were only fourteen of them, so what she just read was a great surprise. As well as the fact that she also was threading the shadow paths.

After some thought, Ani hid the notepad under her shirt, then tried to restore the visible order in the living room, and retreated to her own abode, planning to read those notes one day. As for now, she had little thought as for what she could do with this knowledge, so she quickly stuck the notepad under the pillow and sat on the bed. ‘There was nothing there, and I really don’t want to enter Leo’s room’, she thought bitterly. ‘Even though I’m sure he hides my medicine somewhere there. I always get in trouble when he is nearby.’

It was almost night already. Ani sat on the windowsill, gazing pensively at the starry sky. The houses looked at her with wild, shining eyes; the cars wailed and growled. The city reflected the very essence of life – hungry, threatening, unkind, like an untamed flame…

‘What was it with this L? Should I beware of life? Or even Lucretia?’ The girl looked back, appraising the portrait ironically. ‘Or Leo – sure, it’s always Leo,’  she giggled. ‘Lucifer?’ she shrugged.

The tiny specks of stars were appearing and disappearing in the sky, luminous like the fiery amber lost in a vast transparent ocean…

Ocean. Waves. Like Lucretia had drawn in her notes. Could we ever possibly find a release, some kind of answer there, in cosmic depth, even provided we were still on the physical plane? Hadn’t it actually been a hint?

Ani suddenly felt as if a heavy stone slab was pressing on her chest. She lay down on her back now, half-covered with her blanket – light violet, like the sky outside, and looked at the ceiling. She felt that all the pain she managed to suppress earlier was suddenly back, weighing on her so heavily that she could hardly breathe.

‘Ah, Leo, why did you take away my only consolation?’ The girl whispered in complete silence, suppressing her sobs, only unwanted streams of tears were running down her cheeks, and there was no way to stop them.

In the morning, Ani resumed her search through Lucretia’s bedroom. t was as stuffy and dusty as any rarely used room. And despite the vivid and eccentric personality of the room’s deceased owner, there were a lot of golden, yellowish and light brown hues all around, everything arranged in an old-fashioned, classic way. There was a hanging portrait to which she had never really paid attention. It was presumably an oil painting, depicting the blooming garden in the background and a golden-haired woman with flowers in her hair, dressed in a loose white gown with floral motif. She had a pendant around her neck: a little golden calf, and Ani could discern several cow silhouettes in the field behind. There were also golden threads in the model’s dress. The woman was painting a picture, and the oval hand mirror rested in her lap. The girl wasn’t particularly good at symbols, but she immediately sensed that there was a hidden message, a hint Lucretia had left for Ani. The girl started leafing through the pages of the notepad, which she carried with her.

Except for some abstract ideas, Ani, as earlier, had trouble with understanding some of these notes. For instance: ‘Four Ls: the Empress, the Actor, the Liar and Freedom. Soul, be in spirit – careful ___trust.’ ‘What in the name of the whole existence did this mean?’ wondered Ani, ‘What is this Soul? Did she leave it here for me? Or was it there for any other person who was on the brink of their dream adventure?’

Oh, this may be interesting: Lucretia listed 22 paths and 10 gates, and later on Ani noticed The Empress (III) written just below, connected to them. ‘Wait. This is Tarot.’ the girl blinked. ‘Now it gets intriguing.’

Captivated completely, she started to read further when, all of a sudden, the door flew open, crushing loudly into the wall. Startled, she jumped on her feet covering her head with her arms. It seemed her heart had never beaten so loudly in her life. Leo… The notepad fell on the floor and was now sprawled in the middle of the room, perfectly visible to her brother. The girl tried to invent some way to hide it or to distract Leo. It was her own finding, and Ani didn’t want to give it away or give any explanation about these notes. But Leo seemed to pay no attention to it; rather, he was surprised that he found his sister in this very room. 

‘What are you doing here?’ he demanded. ‘You know…’ Her voice trembled. ‘It’s mom’s room; I just wanted to look at the portrait…’ – He interrupted her. ‘Which portrait? And since when have you started calling her mom?’ Surprised, Ani pointed at the wall, ignoring the second question… But nothing was there. In fact, there was no portrait on any of these walls, so Ani stood in complete astonishment.

‘Hmm, fine, now I’m seriously worried. I’ll call the doctor for an appointment, and I think… Pay attention, I insist, that from now on you should start to approach the treatment responsibly. You have delusions, Ani. And also you should try to live like normal people do; it may help you. Try to… I don’t know, read books, watch films, surf the internet…’ The girl interrupted, ‘Oh God, stop. It was a stupid mistake; I just wanted to explain why I…’  Leo seemed to not be listening to his sister. ‘Meet people, spend time with people… You had a friend in your last job, what’s her name? Mila?’ Ani replied shortly, ‘Lily.’

There was a sudden pause, and then Leo continued with an evident curiosity ‘Lily? Lilian?’  ‘Lily,’ repeated Ani angrily, feeling the rage burning inside her, the blood boiling in her veins, her head was about to explode, ‘What do you want from my friends?’

‘Nothing, you should keep in touch with them, go out once in a while… It can help you…’ She burst out; she couldn’t hold back anymore: ‘So that you can arrange your private life and drive me out of here! I knew it! Yes, I knew! You can’t stand me here’ her whole face flushed, and her eyes were swollen with tears. Leo answered bluntly, ‘Yes, you are right. I’ll add more: I’d willingly move in with my “private life” right now. But I won’t drive you out. I can move out from here; I just want to know that you will be able to look after yourself, and won’t die from hunger or because of any stupid actions.’

Ani was overwhelmed with grave desperation, fear, and anger. She felt so lost, so weak, and so frustratingly alone against the world, even the whole existence… so painful it was, so hurtful that these emotions completely overpowered her. The girl couldn’t struggle anymore, so shaking, she collapsed on the floor, sobbing and crying.

‘My God, Ani, this is getting creepy,’  Leo tried to look into her eyes. ‘We’re both adults, and it’s normal for us to pursue our own happiness and dreams. I hope that you will also find someone…’

‘You know that only one thing can make me happy. I don’t care about your love life or mine, I just want my dreams back. I haven’t been sleeping at all! You! You are a cruel, unfeeling monster!’ the tears were streaming down her cheeks like rivers or torrents as Ani hugged her knees, trying to feel safe that way…

Leo sighed, ‘You’re behaving like a child, and you’re trying to manipulate me. No, I won’t give you the pills. You should learn to sleep naturally. That’s what the doctor says, and you’re already doing it.’ The girl’s voice was shaking, ‘What exactly?’
‘Sleeping naturally.’ She gave him long intense glance. ‘How could you possibly know?’

Leo replied instantly: ‘Because a human being cannot go without sleeping for five days in a row. You’re probably sleeping in short phases and then you’ are’re waking up. It is not a normal sleep, of course, but with time…’

‘You know that I need a different kind of sleep.’ she raised her voice, she was almost yelling. ‘I need a deep sleep, the kind that allows me to travel…You! It was you who used me for your experiments! It’s your fault!’ And after a moment, the girl added: ‘By the way, I know perfectly well that you should reduce taking pills gradually, not all of a sudden.’

‘How would you know? It’s not like you read or watch anything.’ He smiled sarcastically. Leo seemed to be satisfied and unnaturally calm. Not knowing exactly which argument to use, because she felt so deeply hurt and helpless, Ani gasped, looked at him with indignity, and then, unable to suppress all these feelings she simply shouted: ‘Oh, just shut up, just stay away, just… F*ck off!’

She took the notepad quickly, ran to her room, hearing the muffled speech from her brother, but who would listen to such nonsense? Full of pain, she slammed the door loudly and threw herself upon the bed, shivering and sobbing, until she had no energy left. Completely exhausted, she lay down quietly, overcome with rage. ‘You want me to socialize, don’t you?’ she started her laptop. ‘Let’s see…’

There wasn’t much to see though. She really had only one friend on the material plane. Lily. Ani always could get the sleeping pills from her because Lily worked in the pharmacy and had access to various medications. She wasn’t really ashamed of selling them under the counter, but she always provided Ani with the drugs completely free of charge. What’s more, she had been empathetic, caring, and understanding since the moment they met each other.

The girl had a strong affection for her friend, but lately all their conversations and meetings were mostly about pills, though Ani didn’t complain about it much. She didn’t require anything else, because she had the greatest adventures beyond this reality, and her friend understood her in that. Lily never tried to convince her to stop taking medication or insist on changing Ani’s approach to life. No. She simply smiled, warmly discussed life matters or general topics, and… gave her the pills, gave her keys from the magic doors.

Thinking this way, Ani started recharging her phone, just in case. She left it for a second, turned on the laptop, waited, while still reliving the conversation with her brother and feeling hurt because of it. As quick as the girl logged in she found the chat with her friend and hastily, almost feverishly with trembling fingers typed:

‘Lil, may I drop in this evening?’

‘Sure.’

No more questions, no long, senseless conversations. She simply knew. And she had the sleeping pills.

© MarvellousNightmare on Coconut Doesn’t Exist
You can contact me via leomoria93@outlook.com