“I’m losing my religion… Oh, no I said too much. I’ve never said enough.”

Now it plays in my head, thanks a lot, daily prompt.

I’m not a religious type, but I’m a believer, which is not the same for me at all. My approach to faith has changed a lot since my childhood, to be honest. I was brought up in a Christian background, though it was more a matter of tradition for my family on my mother’s side, and my father’s side of the family was over-traditionally, religiously pious.

My father told me once that it’s a matter of tradition to him, for he is a materialist deep down. I’m the complete opposite of that, a vice versa type of person.

Tradition is an empty shell without true belief (now Paradise Lost – True Belief is playing in my head; I’m very musical today). Tradition is a shape needed for some people to understand notions that should be felt deeply, personally experienced, and should change you entirely, filling everything with sense, essence, and connection. It’s a wonder. See? It is difficult to explain with words. Not everyone is shaped to experience this, but some people still need something. Therefore, there always was a need for tradition, religion, rules, logic, and established morals. They provide a rational structure and direction. People need a definition of what is “right.” They are right in their own right.

For some, religion establishes moral values. My moral values are primarily based on empathy (live as you like, just don’t hurt others. At least intentionally) which is common to both religious and non-religious people.

I don’t want someone to define what is right or wrong or determine the relationship with the divine for me.

I felt that there are no gods/holy spirit in churches since a very early age. I read the Bible trying to understand and establish my own personal connection with the divine. I read other religious texts too, and being very young, I came to the conclusion that all religions are right and wrong at the same time. That God is Absolute, the Oneness, the boundless Love. And we all are aiming at that. And so I lived.

I was sure I could reach out to this force through creative writing, in my emotional peaks, in the intense surges of inspiration, and in moments of love. I thought it was my form of prayer, as were my manic states, and of course, the emotions I felt while listening to music:

The clearest and fearless reflection of infinity,
There is no time, nor space within, nor remnants of proximity
Only unending light and joy mingled with sadness,
Enchanting rhythm of the unbounded vastness...

As if my heart leapt from the sky abruptly and exaltedly
Flew far away inspired, bright, than stopping, falling haltingly.
Bewildering and shocking passers-by
My shadow dances in the mirrors of their eyes.

As always laughing, chanting - then... it dies!
An instant and eternal burst of happiness!
Awe-stricken I am looking at the sky
My eyes are questioning the open heavens' emptiness.

While I am reaching out to your sacredness
Begging to cleanse me from the everyday profanity...
In a quick instant of my usual day insanity.
Though I have tried the mead of poetry one day
(Of doubtful quality anyway)

I've never drunk the finest wines of music - so you say.
My words are craving for you, melody, please stay, 
But do you ever really need me?

© MarvellousNightmare on Coconut Doesn’t Exist

Oneness, connection, eternal unconditional love. I dreamt of this love, I craved this love, the full understanding, the final and unlimited acceptance… Something which will grant forgiveness, ease, and being at the right place and time finally.

Sure, I believed in reincarnation too, and the manifold of various worlds and realities my soul will visit someday. Better worlds. I still believe in that, but as you see, it’s not a religion, it’s not a tradition, it is my subjective way of feeling all this.

After I dropped out of my psychology studies and cut ties with my father, there was a time I also went through a series of acute, maddening anxiety attacks. I was sure something bad was going to happen. I tried to pray, and felt it was time to choose a certain path for myself. I reasoned about this with my therapist and my husband, until I finally reached out to Odin during one of my meditations (I separated from my father but connected with All-Father, it was very symbolic indeed), and that was the sign I had been looking for. And I chose that path (I supposedly have some Swedish roots from my mom’s side – “supposedly” is a key word here – perhaps they called to me. Strangely, Slavic Paganism to which I’m more related by blood never really attracted me much).

But as I studied Norse traditional paganism, I discovered that I also felt it as confining and restricting in its pure form, so I wandered away from the religious path again, in order to rediscover my own way. As an outcome, I understand that the contact with Gods, with archetypes, is important to me, as they teach and guide me. They are the doors, leading me to this Absolute love and Oneness, something that connects humans, Gods/archetypes, stars, galaxies, animals, everything, where no one is alone or rejected.

I see it a bit like in the Kabbalistic perspective: Absolute – Gods/Archetypes – Ideals, Myths, Spirits, Angels – Humans/Animals. Contacting the Absolute through Gods gives me a personal perspective, but still, as you see, it is not a religion. It is my subjective perspective, my beliefs, my unique philosophy or worldview, if you wish.

I take some concepts from the outer world only to find the fitting/ready descriptions of how I feel it myself. For I’m establishing my own connection, my own way of talking with the Divine.

And I respect any other religion, path, and philosophy, for we all are trying to reach this Oneness, trying to speak with the Absolute, be better, and vibe higher. We just use different languages for that. 🙂

PS: WP AI Picture generator decided to stop generating something even remotely looking like me. It seems he doesn’t get the idea of “slim straight nose” at all anymore… And when he does, he creates way too long faces. I’m starting missing Deep AI 😦

© MarvellousNightmare on Coconut Doesn’t Exist

You can contact me via leomoria93@outlook.com