Am I a Good Friend?

Why is it always about “me, me, me”? “I expect, I want, I look for.” “I value.” It is generally the same story when it comes to friendships or love.

I don’t really like the perspective of this question. For me, it is rather an introspective matter. Am I a good friend? What can I give others?

Though, probably it is best to begin with the essence of friendship. What is it? I suppose, just as with love or any other kind of human relationship, we all have a very subjective perspective on this matter. What is friendship for some people isn’t necessarily the case for others. There are instances of one-sided friendship, and I personally had an instance of this in my life.

There was a certain girl who enjoyed showering me with tears via phone for about 6-8 hours a day. I saw a friend in her, whereas she was constantly looking for friends somewhere, but never finding one. I’m a very patient type of person, but everything has its limits. Seriously, at some point, I just wished her “to find her own people” and stopped answering her calls.

It was a time when I had my own fascination with trying to reach and fight for friendship and respect from people who were emotionally inaccessible in general. I fought for the love of my own parents through connecting with this type of person… Well, I had my own issues.

When I was 17 or so, I remember feeling that I missed something in my life. I felt a lonely, unfilled void inside my heart, and I usually told everybody that I was looking for a “true friendship”, which I characterized as understanding beyond limits, reading each other’s minds, feeling the same emotions with the same intensity, and of course, having deep, philosophical discussions non-stop. I was justly asked if what I was looking for was really a friendship. I was lonely and I craved understanding. I guess I was looking for the Divine acceptance and love in its true form (Dead Can Dance – Agape, my favorite band, by the way), but I looked for it on Earth, in it’s material reflection.

I don’t perceive friendship in such an exalted, idealized way anymore. People tend to romanticize relationships, trying—again—to reach out for glimpses of divine love in them (take the idea of twin flames, for instance).

Now I think of friendship as walking the same road and supporting each other along the way. Intellectual connection is important, yes (maybe that is what makes this road “the road”), but so are loyalty and trust. If I perceive someone as my friend, I can forget about little irritating things or some discrepancies in our views. I value the person, and I want to continue walking the same road. As simple as that. And of course, equality is really important, even though I’m naturally attracted to stronger characters.

Still… I wish I could call myself a good, valuable friend. I’m well-read and have hobbies, sure, but I can be monotonous and gloomy. I can be loyal and protective (Leo Mars), but I’m passive and keep to my mysteries (what do you expect from a Scorpio Rising and Capricorn Moon?). Relationships with me are shaky, and even though I’m supportive and full of empathy, it can sometimes turn out to be a toxic trait. I don’t party, I’m not an easy-going type of person, nor am I chill. I’m complicated af, and it spreads to my sense of humor as well (either too dark or too tragic – imagine Young Werther becoming a comedian for one day).

There is always room for improvement, I guess. I wish I were a better one, but whatever I try, I still turn out to be imperfect. I have a small number of friends, but I have some, and I’m grateful for that ❤ Some people can accept my imperfections after all 🙂