Being myself and adulthood

Sad, but I’m not able to earn money with my passion: I’m not the type of a person who may become prosperous on social media, or who may trade her individuality to be liked or to earn more. I hate to be an advertisement to sell. I hate myself when I’m trying to sell something that almost defines my life, that it is worthy and wonderful. And I only can sell it, coating it with sugar, whipped cream and golden sprinkles and they buy it only because they want golden sprinkles, and only because it’s on sale. Those golden sprinkles btw have nothing in common with what constitutes my passion, though… Whatever. Probably doing that I feel like an Italian, who sits somewhere in America (just analogy, probably not so very accurate) around the students and has to eat these macaroni with ketchup and cheddar cheese. And they ask him:”oooh, this is what you eat in Italy, right?”

But I am good at what I do. Although this somehow doesn’t make things easier. It is too original and way too complicated, and involves too much energy, and mental work. Probably. Or, perhaps, it may be really splendid (or just fine), but they’ll find something equally good for no money. I had also helped for free for a long time. But I’ve ruined my energy state, thus I know it isn’t worth it. And I didn’t realize how greedy, lazy and unfeeling people really are. And how they don’t respect us. 

No wait, I’m really good, quite good, fine enough – you choose. But alas, I am not simple or entertaining, and that is my problem. Moreover, this is why I took my exile from social media, and now it suddenly came back to me People like simple, funny and effortless and that’s how you sell it.

And I cannot be simple, or write simply. And I cannot overcome myself and sell my knowledge, my experience and my passion coated in sugar and sprinkled with gold, because for me whatever you call it: magic, occult, esoteric is my way of life, my way of spiritual growth and understanding the mystery of life. It is not something I’ll throw away, because now curses are popular, or in case someone wishes to mend the hole in his floor using magic. Figuratively speaking of course 😉

I could continue on and on, though the most important thing, which I finally understood: I will not be popular, ever, I’ll never be a huge success, whatever potential my natal chart has, I’ll be niche. My stories, my poems, the book which I’m going to finish, they will always be for my heart, and reflect my soul and my vision, not the unified easy thing for the public taste. Maybe someone will find my art: both writing and occult/spiritual/esoteric interesting, deep and moving, but those will be similar souls, and it will still stay niche, and I’m happy about that. 

You know what is also equally or even more important for me? My marriage and my husband, my cats, my friends, my family: they are the place where my heart rests, they are my soulmates, and it is them who need my warmth and support. Honestly, my soul cries that I neglected them at a certain point of my life, because I was chasing my great mission in this world, created by my huge ego and crazy imagination and everything crumbled, and there are those whom I meet only in the next life. So much to regret and so much to amend.

And I’m an adult now, perhaps of this crazy year or of all those full moons and eclipses, or of my medicine and remission, or because of reiki initiations… Probably because of everything at once, simply because this is time. And I am not afraid anymore.

MarvellousNightmare on Coconut Doesn’t Exist
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